Alien: Covenant

2012’s Prometheus was presented as an arm’s-length prequel to the Alien franchise. But in execution, it was more like Ridley Scott was remaking his original Alien, or at least the first half of it. Except that the creatures found on the distant planet were nowhere near as scary and impressive as H.R. Giger’s iconic monster, it was burdened by unnecessary character arcs, it added pondering on human existence that didn’t come off as profound as the filmmakers likely hoped, and its effort at filling out the franchise mythology raised more questions than it answered.

It was…not great. But it was lightyears better than Alien: Covenant. Turns out viewers who complained about the lack of an appearance from the Xenomorph in Prometheus should have counted their blessings, for its entrance more than halfway through this glossy trash is bereft of any positive vibe, thanks to preceding plot exposition we were better off not knowing.

Once again, the film treads close to an Alien remake. There’s another starship (this time a colonization vessel which shares its name with the picture’s title), another blue collar crew awakened from suspended animation, and another mysterious message that diverts them off course to an unknown planet. Only this one is shockingly earthlike, and occupied not only by hostile lifeforms, but also the sinister android David (Michael Fassbender), who’s been keeping busy since the last time we saw him in Prometheus. 

I’ll leave it at that, for any more detail would not only risk spoiling this movie, but contaminating even the good entries of this series. Suffice to say we finally get some backstory on where the Aliens come from, and it’s profoundly disappointing. To use an intra-genre comparison, as disappointing as it was for old-school Star Wars fans to find out that the origin of Darth Vader was the whiny, emotionally fragile kid we saw in the prequel trilogy. It’s totally unworthy of the legacy and classical status of this series (well, the first two entries, anyway), and more immediately, it sucks the tension out of most of Covenant's scenes with the monster.

This is a great-looking film (successful or not, Scott does not do half-assed productions), and a great cast—among them Fassbender in two roles, Katherine Waterston solidly filling Sigourney Weaver’s shoes, Billy Crudup playing desperate and out of his depth, and Danny McBride, who it turns out is pretty good at serious acting—plays their roles as admirably as the similarly strong-but-stifled ensemble in Prometheus. There’s also some decent creature action in the spirit of James Cameron’s Aliens, against the familiar Xenomorph as well as some nasty new star beasts. But, the film thinks the story of Fassbender’s David and his search for meaning is way more interesting and insightful than it is, which is not much at all. And it’s not just a hindrance to all the good parts of this picture; it severely dilutes the mystique and terror of the Alien in all its predecessors. Also, obviously, these characters have never seen Alien because...well, they're in the prequel to it. But they make some mistakes that are boneheaded even from people who have never seen a single horror movie, to say nothing of those trained for interstellar travel.

For a brief window in the middle of it all, it looks like Covenant is going to be the best Alien movie in 31 years (which isn’t saying much). Then David shows up, and it ends up being the worst one since Alien 3. No, Alien: Resurrection and the two Alien vs. Predator films weren’t quite good, but at least underneath the gore viewers might find a few schlocky cheap thrills, rather than this picture’s pretentious tedium.