Star Wars rewatch: Attack of the Clones

**SPOILERS HEREIN**

There’s debate among fans over whether The Phantom Menace or Attack of the Clones is better (or worse). The point is contestable: Clones has more action sequences, but it’s also longer and has at least as much turgid politics and dialogue, maybe more. It has less Jar Jar, but its romantic scenes (if you can call them that) are just as excruciating. After the meandering plotting of Phantom Menace, Clones finally gets into the events leading up to the original trilogy…but that might actually be a negative because it arguably spoils the sanctity of the originals. In my opinion, it’s better in some ways, as bad in others, and overall a step above its predecessor but still several flights from a good movie.

This time, the story aims higher for political intrigue involving assassination plots and warmongering in the shadows. Unfortunately, it makes the mistake of letting too much of the cloak-and-dagger machinations happen off-screen between the movies (they could have inserted some plots points into Phantom Menace instead of endless Senate meetings). By the time we catch up with the conspiracy plot, it’s too late in the game and crystal clear where everything’s going. As the viewer follows Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) from Coruscant to Kamino to Geonosis, it’s a straight line down the only possible path the story can take. It’s a journey punctuated with action, at least, but there’s no mystery or surprise.

Still, following Obi-Wan is extremely preferable to the scenes with Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) and Padmé Amidala (Natalie Portman), which are some of the most forced and unwatchable attempts at romance ever put to screen. They’re never once believable, becoming more and more intolerable with each grating attempt to ignite chemistry, and the dialogue is so bad it’s as painful on the parts it’s trying to arouse as it is on the ears. Some of the most awful and explicit love stories on Reddit are hotter and more romantic than anything in this movie. And I’m not sure if the overpowering love score is a rare misstep for John Williams, or if it’s just wasted on something so bad and forever tainted because of it.

You could say the role of Anakin was what would make or break the prequels, although I’m not sure even a strong performance could have saved them with all the flaws they had. We’ll never know, however, as Christensen isn’t up to the challenge. He’s very scattershot. In one scene he’s as subdued as the rest of the Jedi, then in the next he’s like a whiny, repressed teenager. Far from great acting, but not too unbelievable. But then, on yet another superfluous journey to Tatooine, he’s suddenly a murderous psychopath decimating a village of Sand People. Then, back to just solemn and whiny shortly afterward. There’s no consistency or believable evolution to his rage, and thus it’s more laughably jarring than shocking or moving. Also, for such a dark turn, the Sand People massacre is treated like a rather insignificant plot point (the kindhearted Padmé is surprisingly cool with it instead of horrified).

What’s more upsetting as a fan than any of the main narrative’s failings is the way the film does damage to other elements of the saga for no reason. For example, the revelation that Boba Fett (Daniel Logan) is a clone of Jango Fett (Temuera Morrison) could have been a cool origin story if it were done well. But as just a throwaway plot point, it’s a highly disheartening thing to do to such a fan favorite. He absolutely did not need to factor into the story. Much of the character’s appeal was the mystery of his identity, and he just hasn’t been the same since. Worse is when Yoda (Frank Oz) ridiculously pulls out a lightsaber and starts jumping around kung-fu fighting. It’s a cartoonish and frankly stupid thing to do to such a beloved, thoughtful character, and adds nothing meaningful to the picture or story.

So, Attack of the Clones has all that, on top of all the slow walk-and-talk scenes spoon-feeding us the plot that we loved in Phantom Menace. But it also has more action sequences that, while a mixed bag, at least make the film go faster. The chase through Coruscant early in the movie is fun, if a little long and ridiculous, and the battle between Obi-Wan and Jango in the asteroid field isn’t bad. The sequences in the factory and arena on Geonosis, however, pile on too much slapstick and intrusive comic relief from C-3PO (Anthony Daniels) and R2-D2 (Kenny Baker) in unnecessary extended cameos (Threepio’s head getting put on a battle droid is especially annoying).

Most disappointingly, the big battle setting off the Clone Wars is mostly pushed to the background. Instead, we get to see Obi-Wan and Anakin chase after Count Dooku (Christopher Lee) and fight him in easily the worst lightsaber duel in the whole saga, one that substitutes randomly cut close-ups of their faces and flashes of light for actual choreography (and then Yoda shows up). That’s one of the most glaring differences between the original trilogy and the prequels, that we didn’t get any great big, iconic, well-constructed action sequences on par with the Death Star trench run or Battle of Hoth (the closest thing is the podrace in Phantom Menace, which is mostly irrelevant to the overall narrative). It’s disappointing how little of the Clone Wars we see in the movies. I haven’t watched the Clone Wars animated series, and I’m told it’s pretty good. But still, wouldn’t you have liked to see some of those epic battles on the big screen?