Star Wars rewatch: The Holiday Special

One of the many bootleg DVD covers

My attitude leading up to The Force Awakens has been one of cautious optimism based on one thing: nothing can possibly be worse than the prequels (and if you’ve been following this rewatch, you know I’ve got little love for them). Well, besides the fact that greater cinematic ineptitude is indeed possible, that reasoning was flawed from the get-go. There already has been one piece of Star Wars worse than the prequels. And it aired on CBS 37 years ago today, a whole 18 months before the release of The Empire Strikes Back and over two decades before The Phantom Menace.

The Star Wars Holiday Special is legendary for a few reasons, one of which is that George Lucas allegedly hates it immensely. Since it only aired once and has never been officially released on any format, it’s gained a sort of notoriety as a lost piece of 70s kitsch, something one might expect to be so-bad-it’s-hilarious. Those perpetuating this myth, however, surely have never actually sat and watched it (it’s easy to find online if you haven’t, but I’m not posting a link, both to avoid any copyright issues and to frankly spare everyone the horror). As those who have seen it know, it’s not funny at all, even the parts that were trying to be funny or sound on paper like they’d be funny. The entire thing is horrendous beyond words in any language on Earth or in the Star Wars universe, plus Klingon. It’s intensely, unremittingly painful to sit through. Even though it clocks in at less than two hours, it feels like watching one of those tortuous ten-hour repetition videos, plus the mortifying humiliation of running into your grandmother at a strip club. Even if you watch it alone, you’ll feel embarrassed.

Crusaders against the imaginary “War on Christmas” can cool their jets, for the word “holiday” in the title does not denote an early attempt at politically correct Yuletide secularization. In fact, it doesn’t refer to any Earth holiday (not even Thanksgiving, despite airing the Friday preceding it in 1978). No, it’s Life Day, the most important day of the year for Wookiees. The plot, ostensibly, is about Han Solo (Harrison Ford) and Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew) trying to get to the Wookiee home planet of Kashyyyk so the walking carpet can celebrate with his family. But they, as well as Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) and Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher), are only in a couple scenes, and are as randomly and sloppily worked in as recycled space scenes from Star Wars.

Instead, the focus is on Chewie’s family, who look like bad homemade Wookiee Halloween costumes, and much of whose screen time consists of going through the motions of a standard 50s or 60s domestic sitcom, growling at each other throughout. It’s absolutely excruciating. Interspersed are vignettes starring Art Carney as the local Kashyyyk general store owner (seriously), Harvey Korman as a few different alien characters too unconvincing for even an Ed Wood joint, and Bea Arthur tending bar (and later singing, badly) in the Mos Eisley Cantina (the joke of which, she being the only one who speaks English among the various aliens, was done many times better the year before on the late Richard Pryor’s short-lived sketch show). I guess these were aiming for comedy, but it’s hard to tell because all of them miss worse than Stormtroopers at target practice.

And oooooooh, the musical numbers! It’s typical bad variety fare meets post-hippie acid rock psychedelia, with a near-universal tone deafness made even worse by the primitive video recording quality. Most are thankfully forgettable, but two have become somewhat legendary among hardcore fans who’ve managed to sit through the whole special. One has Chewie’s dad Itchy (Paul Gale) experiencing a virtual reality embodiment of his fantasy, in the form of Diahann Carroll singing him a suggestive lullaby. It’s apparently supposed to be a lightly provocative piece of quasi-erotica, but watching it, it’s more confusing than pervy or risqué. The other has a wide-eyed, dazed Carrie Fisher singing along to the Star Wars theme, albeit a version of it slowed down to the point where you really have to listen closely to recognize it. Considering all the stories of the actress’ drug use at the time, this is just a sad and uncomfortable sight.

The big reason interest in the special has persisted is its animated interlude, which contains the first appearance of bounty hunter and fan favorite Boba Fett. But while this is by far the best part (“best” in this sense being extremely relative, like the best torture method, the best kind of bug infestation, or the best Star Wars prequel), it’s barely more than a curiosity, a footnote in Star Wars history at best. It’s not that great. The animation is of low quality even for the time (smushed faces, mouths badly synced with dialogue), and the story is like a typical cartoon of the era with all the humor and adventure cut out. Fortunately, the advent of YouTube has given Fett fans the ability to watch it on its own if they’re so compelled, because it’s certainly not worth sitting through the other 80-plus minutes of absolute crap.

Just how bad is the Holiday Special? On a quality scale ranging from it to The Empire Strikes Back, the prequels are closer to Empire. Hell, they’re closer to The Godfather than the special. Well, maybe it’s a little unfair to compare a TV program to movies, especially one from more than a generation before our current age of high-quality, almost cinematic television. So, think of the worst TV show you’ve ever seen, the cheesiest, lamest, most forced piece of garbage you ever sat through. Compared to the Holiday Special, that show’s Breaking Bad or The Wire.